You Don’t Want Love—You Want to Be Picked So You Feel Worthy

Let's tell the truth. You don't actually want love, not yet. What you want, what you've been chasing, is to be picked, chosen, validated. You want someone to point at you and say, you, you're rich. You're finally enough now. I see you. I choose you. Because somewhere deep down in your system, you internalized a very dangerous equation. To be chosen is to be safe. To be desired is to be valuable. To be wanted is to be worthy. And anything that threatens that equation, anything that reminds you that real love is quiet and steady. You rejected. Because being picked by someone you had to earn, especially someone emotionally unavailable, chaotic, hard to impress, that feels like redemption, that feels like healing. It's not. It's just another performance.

让我们说实话吧。其实你现在并不真正渴望爱情。你真正想要的、一直在追求的，是被选中、被认可、被肯定。你希望有人能指向你并说，就是你，你很优秀。你终于足够好了。我看到你，我选择你。因为在你内心深处，你接受了一个非常危险的公式。被选中意味着安全，被渴望意味着有价值，被需要意味着有意义。任何威胁到这个公式的东西，任何提醒你真实的爱是安静而稳定的东西，你都会拒绝。因为被一个需要你去赢得、尤其是情感上无法企及、混乱且难以打动的人选中，感觉就像救赎、就像治愈。而实际上并不是，这只是另一个表演。

You know what's less rewind because this didn't start with romance. This started long before. Maybe it was a parent whose love you had to earn. A caregiver who praised you only when you were useful, but never when you were hurting. A family system that rewarded performance and punished emotional needs. So you adapted. You learned to be easy, charming, smart, helpful, pleasant, never too much. You became whoever you needed to be just to avoid abandonment. You became the version of yourself that was most likely to be chosen. And the version of you that wasn't, you buried them.

这段话的意思是，你知道吗，这件事情其实不是从浪漫开始的，而是从很早之前就已经开始了。也许是因为你的父母让你觉得他们的爱是需要去争取的，或者是照顾你的人只有在你有用的时候才会表扬你，而当你感到痛苦的时候却不会。或者是因为在你的家庭中，表现好会受到奖励，而表现出情感需求反而会受到惩罚。因此，你学会了去适应。你学会了变得随和、迷人、聪明、乐于助人、令人愉快，永远不过分。你变成了任何可以避免被抛弃的样子。你成为了那个最有可能被选择的自己。而不是的那个自己却被你埋葬了。

Now you're growing, but the word remains. You say you won't love, but what you mean is validation. You say you want partnership, but you mean a witness who will finally say you're good enough. You mistake anxiety for chemistry. You mistake distance for mystery. You mistake someone's unpredictability for a challenge you need to win. Because deep down you believe that the harder they are to earn, the more valuable you must be if they choose you. So you chase unavailable people and call it fate. You pine after the one who wants text back and call it romantic tension. You ignore the steady love that feels unfamiliar. Because deep down your nervous system is wired for chaos.

现在你在成长，但内心深处那些信念仍未改变。你说你不想爱，但其实你渴望的是认可。你说你想要的是伙伴关系，但其实你渴望的是一个能认可你足够好的人。你把焦虑误认为化学反应，把距离误认为神秘，把不确定性误认为你需要去赢得的挑战。因为在你内心深处，你相信越难得到的人，若他们选择了你，就说明你的价值越高。所以你总是追求那些无法获得的人，然后称之为命运。你对那个不回复信息的人念念不忘，称之为浪漫的紧张感。你忽视了那些安稳的爱，因为对你来说，这种感觉太陌生。因为在你内心深处，你的神经系统已经适应了混乱。

Let me say this as clearly as possible. You are not addicted to love. You are addicted to performance. You are addicted to pursuit. You are addicted to trying to prove that you are enough and love. True grounded, emotionally secure love. It will make you prove anything, which is why it feels boring. Of. Because real love doesn't spike your nervous system. It doesn't trigger your flight or fight. It doesn't make you question your worth every five minutes. Real love doesn't feel like conquest. It feels like home. And to someone who was raised to perform, home feels suspicious. Because it doesn't ask you to earn it.

让我尽量清楚地表达这一点：你并不是对爱情上瘾，而是对表现上瘾。你对追求上瘾，你总是试图证明自己足够好和值得被爱。真正稳固且情感安全的爱，不会让你非得证明自己什么，这就是为什么它会让人觉得无聊。因为真正的爱不会刺激你的神经系统，也不会触发你的逃跑或战斗反应。它不会让你每隔几分钟就怀疑自己的价值。真正的爱不像征服，更像是家的感觉。而对于一个习惯于表现的人来说，家会让人觉得不安，因为它不要求你去争取。

So my darling, what are you really afraid of? Because you're not afraid of rejection. You are afraid of being seen without the sparkle. You are afraid of being held when you're not impressive. You are afraid of being truly known. Because what if, what if when you finally stop performing? No one stays? What if when the mask comes off, the love disappears? That's the core wound. That's the haunting fear. So you keep reaching for the fantasy. If I can get that person to choose me, that person, the avoidant one, the emotionally distant one, the one who doesn't choose anyone, then maybe I'm finally good enough.

所以，亲爱的，你真正害怕的是什么呢？因为你并不是害怕被拒绝。你是害怕被人看到没有光彩的一面。你害怕在不出众时被拥抱。你害怕被真正了解。因为如果，当你不再伪装的时候，没有人留下来怎么办？如果当面具脱落，爱也随之消失怎么办？这才是你内心深处的创伤和挥之不去的恐惧。所以，你总想追求幻想。你觉得如果能让那个人选择你，那个人，一个有距离感的人，一个情感疏远的人，一个不选择任何人的人，那么也许你才终于足够好。

But that's not healing. That's self-abandonment in disguise. That's tying your worst to someone else's inability to love properly. You don't want to be loved. You want to be exceptional. You want to be the one who changed them. You want to be the one they couldn't ignore. You want to be the person who finally got through to someone who would never let anyone else in. Because if you can earn the love of the emotionally unavailable, then maybe finally you can stop doubting yourself. You can stop asking what's wrong with you.

但那不是疗愈，那是伪装成疗愈的自我放弃。这是把自己最糟糕的一面绑在别人无法正常去爱的能力上。你并不是想要被爱，而是想要变得特别。你想成为改变他们的那个人，成为他们无法忽视的人，成为最终感动了那个从不让任何人走近自己的人。因为如果你能赢得情感上不可得之人的爱，也许你就可以停止怀疑自己，不再去问自己有什么问题。

But this is where the whole thing collapses, my love. Because even if they choose you, you still won't believe it. Because the wound didn't begin with them. It began with you. And no one can love you into healing the parts of yourself you refuse to meet. So how do you heal this? How do you go from chasing validation to actually letting yourself be loved? First, you grieve. You grieve the self. Who thought she had to be desirable to be kept? You grieve a little girl who believed she had to be perfect to be loved. You grieve a teenage version of you. Who thought being picked was proof of her value.

但这就是问题的所在，我的爱。即便他们选择了你，你仍然不会相信。因为伤口不是从他们开始的，而是从你自己开始的。如果你拒绝面对自己的那些部分，没有人能通过爱帮助你愈合。那么，你该如何治愈呢？如何从追求他人认同，到真正允许自己被爱呢？首先，你需要悲伤。为那个总觉得必须有吸引力才能被珍惜的自己感到悲伤。为那个相信自己必须完美才能被爱的女孩感到悲伤。为那个认为被选中就证明了自己有价值的青少年版本的自己感到悲伤。

And then you won't learn. You stop turning love into a reward system. You stop auditioning. You stop trying to be the most, the smartest, the sexiest, the easiest, the least complicated, the most healed. You stop treating relationships like a test you need to pass. You stop making your personality a resume.

然后你就无法学习了。你不要再把爱变成奖励制度。不要再像在试镜一样。你不再试图成为那个最优秀、最聪明、最性感、最容易相处、最简单、最痊愈的人。你不再把人际关系当作必须通过的考试。你不再把自己的个性当作履历。

And you start doing the unthinkable. You let yourself be ordinary. You let yourself be seen. You stop looking for someone to come and pick you and start choosing yourself. You feel the heartbreak of how much energy you've spent contorting, performing, and chasing. You let yourself be angry. You let yourself be messy. You let yourself mourn all the versions of you that were lovable but were never loved.

你开始做那些以前想都不敢想的事情：你让自己变得普通，让自己被他人看见。你不再期待别人来挑选你，而是开始选择自己。你感受到为迎合、表演和追逐所耗费的大量精力带来的心痛。你允许自己发怒，允许自己变得混乱，还允许自己为那些曾经可爱却未曾被爱过的自我感到悲伤。

And you begin to ask the question, what does love look like when it's not rooted in pain? You learn to sit still, to feel lonely and not make it mean anything about your worth. You stop clinging to the people who confuse you because now you see clearly that confusion is not connection. You stop needing to be impressive. You start being real.

你开始问自己这个问题：当爱不以痛苦为根基时，它是什么样的？你学会安静地坐着，去感受孤独，而不把它与你的价值联系在一起。你不再紧抓那些让你困惑的人，因为你清楚地明白困惑并不是连接。你不再需要让人觉得你很了不起，而是开始做真实的自己。

And you will hurt because your never system doesn't know what to do with peace. You ache for the highs and lows of the chase, but you'll keep choosing the quiet. Because now you're no longer asking for love to rescue you from yourself. And when someone walks away, you don't chase. You let them. Because their leaving doesn't mean you're unworthy. It means you're not their person and that doesn't have to destroy you.

你会感到痛苦，因为你的内心习惯于追逐，而不懂得如何面对平静。尽管你渴望追逐的起伏，但你会选择安静。因为现在你不再需要靠爱来拯救自己。当有人离开时，你不会去追，你会让他们离开。因为他们的离开并不代表你不够好，只是说明你不是他们的“那个人”，这并不会毁掉你。

It doesn't have to destroy you, my darling. And here's what healing looks like. It looks like being okay when no one texts back. It looks like not attaching your worth to how wanted you feel. It looks like letting someone love you on your average days, hello, not just your best ones. It looks like falling apart and not apologizing for it.

亲爱的，这不一定会摧毁你。治愈的样子是，这样就可以了：当没有人回复你的消息时，你依然很好；不再将自己的价值与是否被需要挂钩；当你只是平凡普通的时候，也允许他人爱你，不仅仅是在你状态最佳时。治愈也像是分崩离析而不再为此道歉。

It looks like no longer chasing people who make you feel small just so you can prove that you're worthy of being seen. Because here's the truth that changes everything. You were never meant to be picked. You were supposed to be seen. You were supposed to be known. You were supposed to be loved in your being, not in your performance.

看起来你不再追逐那些让你感到渺小的人，只是为了证明你值得被关注。因为有一个事实可以改变一切：你本来就不需要被挑选，你应该被看到，被了解，被爱护，不是因为你的表现，而是因为你独特的存在。

And the second you accept this, you become powerful. Because now you're not just waiting to be chosen. You are choosing. You are choosing who gets your energy, who gets your softness, who gets to stay and most importantly, you finally choose you. Not because someone else said you were worthy, but because now you know it. As always, it's been an absolute pleasure. My name is Pearl and I'll see you in the next video.

一旦你接受了这一点，你就变得强大了。因为现在你不再只是等待被选择，而是自己在做选择。你在选择谁能获得你的能量，谁能看到你的温柔，谁可以留下来，最重要的是，你终于选择了自己。这不是因为别人说你有价值，而是因为你现在自己明白了这个道理。一如既往，这是一种绝对的愉悦。我是Pearl，我们下个视频再见。