How to form more meaningful relationships
发布时间 2024-06-24 07:00:00 来源
摘要
It’s well established that human beings are social animals who thrive on making connections with others. But did you know that developing and maintaining nourishing relationships is just as vital to our health as eating a nutritious diet or taking regular exercise?
In this episode, we catch up with science writer David Robson to talk about his new book The Laws of Connection: 13 Social Strategies That Will Transform Your Life.
He tells us how human beings have evolved to crave shared experiences, how lending a helping hand to someone in need can improve our wellbeing and why we shouldn’t be so afraid of speaking to strangers.
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Hello and welcome to Instant Genius, a Bitesized Masterclass in podcast form. Twice weekly you'll hear world leading scientists and experts talking about the most fascinating ideas in science and technology today. I'm Jason Goodger, commissioning editor at BBC Science Focus. It's well established that human beings are social animals who thrive on making connections with others. But did you know that developing and maintaining nourishing relationships is just as vital to our health as eating a nutritious diet or taking regular exercise? In this episode I catch up with science writer David Robson to talk about his new book, The Laws of Connection, 13 social strategies that will transform your life. He tells us how human beings have evolved to crave shared experiences, how lending a helping hand to someone in need can improve our well-being and why we shouldn't be so afraid of speaking to strangers.
你好，欢迎收听“瞬间天才”——一个迷你大师课形式的播客节目。每周两次，您将听到世界顶尖科学家和专家谈论当今科学和技术中最令人着迷的想法。我是Jason Goodger，BBC科学聚焦的委托编辑。众所周知，人类是社交动物，通过与他人建立联系而茁壮成长。但你知道吗，发展和维持有益的关系对我们的健康同样重要，如同吃营养丰富的饮食或定期锻炼一样？在这一集中，我会与科学作家David Robson讨论他的新书《连接法则：13个改变你生活的社交策略》。他会告诉我们，人类是如何进化到渴望共享体验的，如何在别人需要帮助时伸出援手能改善我们的幸福感，以及为什么我们不应该害怕和陌生人交谈。
So welcome to the podcast. Thanks very much for joining us. It's my pleasure. Yeah, thanks for inviting me on. So today we're talking about your new book, The Laws of Connection and it's all about the human need for social connection. So let's start with the big question then. Why is this so important? So humans evolved as a social species. Other primates are social, but humans have evolved to live in bigger and bigger groups. And so that meant that social connection was really essential for our survival. And it seems that we actually, because it was so important for our survival, first of all, we evolved this kind of response, the kind of loneliness response in our brains that brings that very painful emotional feeling when you're socially excluded to warn you that you're maybe not getting the social connection that you need and you need to tend your relationships.
欢迎来到播客节目。非常感谢你能加入我们。这是我的荣幸。是的，谢谢你们邀请我。因此，今天我们要讨论的是你的新书《连接的法则》，它主要讲述了人类对社交连接的需求。那么我们就从一个重要的问题开始吧：为什么这种需求如此重要？
人类作为一种社会性物种进化而来。其他灵长类动物也是社会性的，但人类已经进化到生活在越来越大的群体中。因此，社交连接对于我们的生存来说是非常重要的。似乎因为它对我们的生存如此重要，首先，我们在大脑中进化出了这样一种反应——孤独感，这种非常痛苦的情绪感受在你被社会排斥时会提醒你，告诉你也许没得到所需的社交连接，你需要关注你的关系。
So that's why it can feel so hurtful when we do feel isolated. But also we evolved physiological responses to deal with the dangers that would have come from isolation. So if you think back to our evolutionary past and you're kicked out of your group, you're at a much greater danger of being attacked by predators or by hostile human beings. So the body does things like raises its levels of inflammation, which can help you to deal with infection if you're wounded, and also blood clotting factor, which can help the wound to heal and prevent blood loss. You know, great short-term responses. But actually, if you're feeling lonely day after day, week after week, year after year, we know that things like increased inflammation can be implicated in a host of different diseases, things like diabetes, Alzheimer's, heart disease, you know, how likely you are to have a heart attack or to have a stroke. Now that's exactly what we find when we look at these big longitudinal studies examining the potential connection between loneliness and mortality is that loneliness increases the risk of all of those illnesses and ultimately your risk of an early death.
所以，当我们感到孤立时，会觉得很伤心。但我们也进化出了一些生理反应来应对因孤立而带来的危险。回想我们的进化历史，如果被群体驱逐，会面临更大的被掠食者或敌对人类攻击的危险。因此，身体会做出一些应对措施，比如增加炎症水平，有助于处理万一受伤时的感染问题；还会增加血液凝血因素，帮助伤口愈合并防止失血。这些都是很好的短期反应。然而，如果你日复一日、周复一周、年复一年地感到孤独，我们知道，持续的炎症增加会导致许多疾病，比如糖尿病、阿尔茨海默症和心脏病，还会增加心脏病发作或中风的风险。
大规模的长期研究发现，孤独和死亡率之间确实存在潜在联系。孤独会增加患上述所有疾病的风险，最终增加过早死亡的几率。
And that's been very well established, I've got hundreds of studies. And what I think is not so well recognized by the public, but is absolutely recognized by organizations like the World Health Organization now, is that social connection is really as essential for living a long and healthy life as things like exercise or obesity. So that's the physical effects of isolation and loneliness. How about the mental effects? Yeah, so I mean, there are plenty of mental effects of loneliness. It does predispose you to all kinds of mental illnesses, most obviously depression. And you know, in the workplace, like how well you get all of your colleagues is one of the best predictors of whether you're going to experience burnout. So it's hugely important for our mental health. But actually, you know, there's benefits to social connection.
这已经得到充分证实，我有数百项研究支持这一点。而我认为公众还没有完全意识到，但诸如世界卫生组织等组织已经完全承认的一点是，社交联系对于长寿和健康生活的必要性和运动或肥胖等因素同样重要。这是孤立和孤独对身体的影响，那么对心理的影响呢？是的，我的意思是，孤独会带来很多心理影响。它确实使你更容易患上各种心理疾病，最明显的就是抑郁症。而且在工作场所，你与同事相处得好不好是你是否会经历职业倦怠的最佳预测指标之一。所以它对我们的心理健康非常重要。但实际上，社交联系也有许多好处。
So the opposite of loneliness, people who are more socially connected tend to be a bit more creative, they find inspiration more easily. And that's because they're just exposed to more ideas, more perspectives, they're more likely to receive feedback that can help them to refine their projects. So it's hugely beneficial, you know, for pretty much everything that we value in life, social connection can enhance that.
所以，相反的，拥有社交联系的人往往更有创造力，他们更容易找到灵感。这是因为他们接触到更多的想法和不同的观点，他们也更可能收到有助于完善项目的反馈。因此，社交联系在几乎所有我们重视的生活方面都有很大的益处，可以增强这些方面。
So we'll look into some of those effects in a moment. But first, we've got a problem with loneliness these days and isolation. Lots of people are feeling lonely or isolated. So sort of a two for question. What sort of proportion of people are feeling this way? And how has that happened? So I mean, it depends on how you measure loneliness. You know, according to the kind of questionnaires that have been used by like the US Surgeon General, for example, you know, around 50% of US citizens feel lonely, fairly regularly in their life. And I actually think, you know, just anecdotally talking to people from my own experiences, you know, that seems about right really is very rare for you to meet someone and for them to say that they have the absolute optimum social life without craving more connection.
我们稍后会探讨其中的一些影响。但首先，我们现在面临一个孤独和隔离的问题。许多人感到孤独或被隔离。那么这是一个双重问题。有多少人感到这种情况？ 这种情况是怎么发生的呢？其实，这取决于你如何衡量孤独感。根据美国公共卫生局长使用的问卷调查，大约50%的美国公民在生活中经常感到孤独。实际上，根据我和人们交流的个人经历，这个数据基本上是准确的，很少有人会说他们的社交生活完全达到了理想状态，不需要更多的联系。
Now loneliness, you know, it's not just about physical isolation is also about feeling understood and supported, what we call existential isolation, the sense that maybe you might be at a party or you might be at the cinema in the theatre. You're the only person who doesn't really get what's going on around you. Everyone's laughing and you're sitting there alone. That's existential isolation. And you know, it's the kind of thing when I, you know, sometimes would, you know, wake up at like two or three in the morning and you'll suddenly hit with this sense that, you know, you might be near people, but you're also alone.
现在，你知道，孤独感不只是身体上的孤立，还包括被理解和支持的感觉，也就是我们所说的存在性孤立。这种感觉可能在你参加派对或者在电影院看电影时出现。周围人人都在笑，而你却独自坐在那里，真的不明白周围发生了什么。那就是存在性孤立。你知道吗，有时候我会在凌晨两三点醒来，突然被这种感觉袭击。你可能在其他人附近，但仍是一个人。
Both of those are important for our health and wellbeing. Now, the question of, you know, has it always been like this or is this a modern phenomenon? You know, that's still a matter of debate. Even though I think, you know, there's this general idea in the zeitgeist that loneliness has increased over the last few decades, there's very little data to support that view actually. The surveys that we do have from, you know, across the 20th century suggest that loneliness was probably with us for a long time.
这两者对我们的健康和福祉都很重要。现在，有个问题是：这种情况一直都存在，还是这是现代现象？这个问题仍然有待讨论。尽管我认为，大家普遍认为在过去几十年里孤独感有所增加，但实际上有很少的数据支持这种观点。我们从20世纪的各种调查中得知，孤独感可能已经伴随我们很长时间了。
And so you can look at social changes that we've experienced, stuff like, you know, urbanization people kind of moving away from the villages in which they lived, you know, tower blocks where maybe they don't know their neighbors so much. And I'm sure that is having some kind of effect. But, you know, the fact is that even if you were living in the same small town that you grew up in, surrounded by people who are all very familiar and you know them to, you know, look at to say, hi in the street to have that kind of small talk. The fact is, even then you could still have been experiencing that existential isolation.
所以，你可以看到我们经历过的一些社会变化，比如城市化，人们离开他们生活的村庄，搬到高楼大厦里，可能并不太了解他们的邻居。我确信这对人们有某种影响。但是，即使你仍然住在你从小长大的小镇上，周围都是熟悉的人，你可以在街上打招呼，进行一些闲聊。事实上，即便如此，你仍然可能会经历那种存在主义的孤独感。
And actually if you read, you know, diaries from people in the 19th century or 20th century, they often do express exactly that. They might, you know, have physical presence of people that they know, but they don't feel connected to them. So that's why I think loneliness is something that has probably afflicted humans, you know, for as long as we've been around. Yeah. So this sort of all boils down to meaningful connections, right? Right. So what are the characteristics of a meaningful connection? So, I mean, to escape that existential isolation, what we really need with people is what psychologists call a shared reality. And that's the sense that the person that you're speaking to or the people around you are experiencing the world in the same way as you.
实际上，如果你阅读19世纪或20世纪人们的日记，你会发现他们经常表达出这样的感受。他们可能与熟悉的人在一起，但是却不感到与他们真正连接。因此，我认为孤独感可能自人类存在以来就一直困扰着我们。这一切最终归结为什么是有意义的连接，对吧？那么，有意义的连接有哪些特征呢？为了逃避那种存在的孤独感，我们真正需要的是心理学家所说的“共享现实”。也就是说，你要觉得你交流的对象或周围的人在以与你相同的方式体验这个世界。
You know, at a very visceral level, so they're thinking the same things, they're, you know, feeling the same things, they're, you know, if you're listening to a song together, that they're kind of, they're having that full suite of emotions that you are. Now, you know, we know from questionnaires, you know, you ask people like how often, for example, do you end each other's sentences or find that you say the same thing at the same time as each other? These are measures of shared reality that are very good at predicting people's relationship closeness. And, you know, ultimately how satisfied they are with the relationships, how invested they are in the relationships. Relationships really, you know, a constellation of all of these little moments where you just suddenly realize that the other person is on the same wavelength as you.
你知道吗，在一种非常本能的层面上，他们在想同样的事情，感受同样的情绪。举个例子，如果你们一起听一首歌，他们也会和你一样有那种完整的情感体验。我们从问卷调查中了解到，当你问人们诸如“你们有多经常把对方的话说完”或者“你们有多经常同时说出同样的话”这样的问题时，这些都是衡量现实共享的标准，它们非常擅长预测人们的关系亲密度。最终，它们还能反映出人们对关系的满意度以及投入程度。关系实际上就是由这些瞬间组成的一个整体，在这些瞬间里，你突然意识到对方和你心有灵犀。
Let's talk about different personality types then. I think this is interesting. So people often talk about introverts and extroverts. So how do their social connections and social connection styles differ? I don't think we can deny that there is this kind of spectrum from introversion to extroversion that depends on how gregarious and assertive you are. Lots of people are kind of roughly in the middle. So they're those, we call them ambiverts.
那我们来聊聊不同的性格类型吧。我觉得这很有意思。人们经常讨论内向者和外向者。那么，他们的社交联系和社交方式有什么不同呢？我认为我们无法否认，从内向到外向有一个光谱，这取决于你有多健谈和自信。很多人都大致处于中间地带。所以我们称他们为中向者。
They're neither fully introvert nor fully extrovert. But what the research shows us is that actually, when you're looking at people's capacity to form social connections, it doesn't really matter where you lay on that scale. Everyone can benefit from trying to be a little bit more sociable, to talk to new people, to make friends with strangers. So even the introverts, they can benefit. They do feel better once they've been to a social event, once they've been to a party.
他们既不是完全的内向，也不是完全的外向。但是研究表明，其实当你看人们形成社交关系的能力时，在哪个性格光谱上并不重要。每个人都可以通过尝试变得更加社交来受益，比如与陌生人交谈，结交新朋友。所以即使是内向的人，他们也可以从中受益。他们在参加社交活动或聚会之后，心情确实会变得更好。
The big difference actually seems to be in what they predict will happen. Introverts just seem to be a bit more pessimistic. Beforehand, they are pretty certain they're not going to enjoy some new social interaction with someone they don't know. But afterwards, they do show a boost in their well-being, just like the extroverts. So maybe the differences between the two aren't as pronounced as we sometimes imagine they are.
真正的区别似乎在于他们对将要发生的事情的预测。内向的人似乎更悲观一些。在互动之前，他们几乎确定自己不会享受与陌生人的社交。但之后，他们的幸福感会像外向的人一样有所提升。所以，也许内向和外向之间的差异并不像我们有时想象的那么明显。
And crucially, if you are an introvert and you feel this craving for connection, but you believe that your personality is holding you back, what the research really suggests is that if you do just push yourself out of your comfort zone, actually, you will find that satisfying. And ultimately, you might be able to recalibrate those expectations. So you feel happier going into those situations. So sort of related to that, in the book, you talk about social confidence, which a lot of people struggle with.
关键是，如果你是个内向的人，感到渴望交流，但你认为自己的性格阻碍了你，根据研究显示，如果你只是把自己推出舒适区，你实际上会发现这样很满足。最终，你可能会重新调整那些期望，这样你在面对这些情况时会更开心。与此相关，在书中，你谈到了很多人都在挣扎的社交自信问题。
So how can they build that up? What sort of advice could you give them? Yeah, so I think like social confidence and our social skills in general really is something that comes with practice. In that way, it's not so different from learning a musical instrument or a new sport. For example, you might be very hesitant and tentative to start with, but the more you do it, the better you get and the more confident you feel.
那他们怎么建立这种自信呢？你能给他们什么建议吗？是啊，我觉得社交自信和一般的社交技巧确实是通过练习得来的。在这方面，它和学习一种乐器或一项新运动没有太大区别。比如，一开始你可能会非常犹豫和不确定，但你做得越多，你就会变得越好，感觉也会越来越自信。
One of my favourite studies set up this scavenger hunt situation where they gave people an app that set different goals that they could complete each day. And it was things like talk to someone in the park with a cute dog or praise someone for their crazy dress sense when you see them today. Now, what they find was that at the start, you know, lots of people, and I think even some extroverts would have been among these people, they felt quite nervous about those interactions with strangers.
我最喜欢的一项研究设置了一个寻宝游戏的情境，他们给人们提供了一款应用，每天设置不同的目标。比如说跟公园里带着可爱狗狗的人聊天，或者赞美今天看到的穿着奇特的人。一开始，他们发现很多人都会对与陌生人的这些互动感到紧张，甚至包括一些外向的人。
I worried that they were going to be rejected, that the conversation would be awkward. They didn't think they would enjoy it very much. But after just one week of completing these little tasks, those people had recalibrated those beliefs. So actually, they came to expect a friendly interaction. They didn't really fear being rejected. They knew that, you know, if there was any awkwardness, they would overcome it. And actually, it would be much more pleasant than they expected.
我担心他们会被拒绝，担心对话会很尴尬。他们也认为自己不会很享受这种互动。但是只经过一周完成这些小任务后，这些人的想法就改变了。实际上，他们开始期待友好的交流了。他们不再害怕被拒绝。即使对话有些尴尬，他们也知道自己可以克服。实际上，这种互动比他们预期的要愉快得多。
You know, they really began to relish these opportunities. And I feel like that's an amazing change in social confidence over just one week. I think often the reason that we do fear talking to strangers is we just don't do it enough. And so we always forget how pleasant it actually was when we did do it, you know. And what's happening here, when you just practice your social skills every day in these slightly challenging situations that just outside of your comfort zone, you're just reinforcing the memory that actually, you know, 99 times out of 100, those interactions are really pleasurable.
你知道吗，他们真的开始享受这些机会了。我觉得这在短短一周内就带来了社交自信的惊人改变。我认为，我们害怕和陌生人交谈的原因往往是我们做得不够频繁。因此，我们总是忘记上一次交谈其实是多么愉快。而现在，当你每天在稍微有挑战性的、超出你舒适区的情况下练习社交技能时，你实际上是在强化这样的记忆：其实，一百次当中有九十九次，这些互动都是非常愉快的。
They give you a mood boost. They probably helped boost the mood of the other person too. And you go away from it, just feeling great. So it's like sort of exercising your social muscle. Yeah, that's exactly how I see it. That's a kind of muscle that can be built very quickly. So key in building nourishing relationships is being able to understand the perspective of others. So in the book, you discuss something called egocentric thinking.
它们能让你心情变好——也可能让对方的心情变好。之后你会感觉特别棒。所以，这就像在锻炼你的社交能力。是的，这正是我所理解的。这种能力可以很快培养起来。所以，建立有益关系的关键在于能够理解他人的观点。在书中，你讨论了一种叫“自我中心思维”的现象。
So what is that? And what can we do to combat it? So most neurotypical people have what's known as a theory of mind, which just means that you can recognize that someone else might not have the same perspective, the same knowledge, the same beliefs that you do. So, you know, if you look up the famous test of that is the Sally Ann test, and we find that for most people that develops in early childhood.
那到底是什么呢？我们可以做些什么来应对它呢？大多数神经发育典型的人都有一种叫做“心智理论”的能力，这意味着你能意识到别人可能和你有不同的观点、不同的知识和信仰。比如，有一个著名的测试叫做 Sally Ann 测试，研究发现对大多数人来说，这种能力在幼儿时期就会发展出来。
Now, what has become clear recently is just because we have the capacity to exercise our theory of mind doesn't mean that we actually use it very often. And so, you know, in a surprising number of cases, people just forget to consider the other person's perspective. They anchor their thinking in their own perspective. You know, that can be as simple as just forgetting that another person, you know, visually, they have a different perspective.
现在，最近变得清楚的是，仅仅因为我们有运用“心智理论”的能力，并不意味着我们经常使用它。所以，在很多情况下，人们往往会忘记考虑别人的视角。他们的思考会牢牢固守在自己的视角上。这种情况可能很简单，比如忘记别人从视觉上看，视角是不同的。
So they can't see what you're seeing. It's also a failure to recognize that say the words that you speak are quite ambiguous, and that they won't necessarily come to the same conclusions that you were trying to convey. My favorite example of that in the book, Kacend Edgar Hoover, who wrote on his memos, watched the borders. He was the head of the FBI. And all of his staff went into this kind of panic thinking that there was something happening in the US borders, you know, some impending attack. They were quite scared of him. So they basically, though too scared to actually ask him what he meant.
所以他们无法看见你所看见的。这也表明了你忽略了一点，那就是你说的话往往是模棱两可的，别人不一定会得出你想表达的结论。我在书中最喜欢的一个例子是关于埃德加·胡佛的，他是FBI局长，他在备忘录上写了“注意边境”。他的所有下属都陷入了恐慌，以为美国边境有什么事要发生，比如即将受到攻击。他们非常害怕他，所以没人敢问他到底是什么意思。
And it took a couple of days for them to realize that he was meaning, watched the borders of the paper because he didn't think they had wide enough margins for him to make his notes on. He was not concerned about the US's international borders. That's just one example of this phenomenon that we call the illusion of understanding. But it's very common. And it's really, I think, one of the big reasons for misunderstandings, for arguments is just the fact that the two parties are operating on different assumptions. And we never actually stopped to check that the other person understands exactly what we mean.
过了好几天，他们才意识到他其实是指“看纸张的边缘”，因为他觉得纸张的页边距不够宽，无法做笔记。他并不是担心美国的国际边界。这只是我们称之为“理解的错觉”的一个例子。而这种现象非常普遍。我认为，这是引发误解和争论的一个重要原因，就是双方基于不同的假设在沟通。而我们往往没有真正停下来确认对方是否准确理解了我们的意思。
So what can we do to avoid putting ourselves in a situation like that? So the kind of advice that you would find in self-help books of the past, you know, from people like Dale Carnegie, would be just consciously trying to take the other perspective. So that's, you know, basically a reminder, exercise, your theory of mind. And like, absolutely, I think that's a good piece of advice in general. You know, no harm in doing that if there's no other option.
那么我们可以怎么做才能避免陷入这样的情况呢？过去的一些自助书籍，比如戴尔·卡耐基（Dale Carnegie）的书中，会建议我们有意识地去站在他人的角度看问题。这实际上就是一种提醒，让我们练习使用自己的同理心。我认为这是一个很好的建议，通常是有益无害的，尤其是在没有其他选择的时候。
But the problem is that it's very imperfect, actually. And we often have too much confidence in our perspective taking abilities. Like imagination is not as good as actually just asking someone, you know, what do you think and what do you believe? And the research shows that this is true with strangers, but it's also very true of the people who we think we know best. We overestimate how much we actually understand their faults and opinions and beliefs. And so we're very often wrong when we're asked, you know, will they like this comedian? Will they enjoy this concert? What do they think of this politician?
但是问题在于，这实际上非常不完美。我们常常对自己的换位思考能力过于自信。比如，说到底，想象能力实际上不如直接问别人，你知道吗，你怎么看，你相信什么？研究表明，这不仅适用于陌生人，对我们认为最了解的人也是如此。我们高估了自己对他们的想法、观点和信仰的真正理解。因此，当我们被问到“他们会喜欢这个喜剧演员吗？”、“他们会享受这场音乐会吗？”、“他们对这个政治家怎么看？”时，我们常常是错的。
You know, you can ask people that about their spouses and in a kind of, I guess, like a Mr. and Mrs. kind of game. And, you know, very often very wrong, but they think they're right much more than they actually are. And, you know, that's one of my laws of connection really is actually just check your assumptions, be humble, check your assumptions, even if you think, you know, someone really well. And one of the pleasures of long-term relationships is actually being surprised by them.
你知道，你可以用类似“夫妻问答”游戏的方式来问人们关于他们爱人的问题。很多时候，人们会自以为了解对方，但实际上却常常答错。他们认为自己比实际情况更了解对方。这就是我要强调的一个重要准则——要检验自己的假设，保持谦逊，即便你觉得你非常了解某人。而长期关系中的乐趣之一，恰恰就是他们还能时不时给你带来惊喜。
You know, people are infinitely complex and you can deepen your relationship. Whether you've known someone for a week, or whether you've known someone for 40 years, there will be elements of their personality that are going to surprise you and we should embrace that. So you mentioned there asking questions. So one key element of social connection is having meaningful conversations. So what are some sort of common traps that people fall into there? And how can we avoid them?
你知道，人类是非常复杂的存在，你可以不断加深与他人的关系。无论你认识某个人一周，还是认识了40年，他们的个性中总会有让你惊讶的地方，我们应该接受这一点。你提到要多提问，社交连接中一个关键要素是进行有意义的对话。那么人们在这个过程中常见的陷阱是什么？我们该如何避免这些陷阱呢？
Yeah, I mean, there's a few traps. One is just that we don't ask enough questions and we don't ask enough follow-up questions to show our curiosity about what someone's just said. That's also related to the sense of inattention, as I called them. And, you know, the problem is that actually, even when we are really listening to someone quite intently, we don't necessarily demonstrate that. We might rely on what's called paralinguistic cues, which is like, you know, murmuring a sound like, mm-hmm, aha, yeah.
是的，我的意思是，有一些陷阱。一个是我们不问足够的问题，也不问足够的跟进问题，来表明我们对别人刚说的内容感兴趣。这也与我称之为“注意力不集中”的情况有关。问题是，即使我们真的很专注地在听别人说话，我们也不一定表现出来。我们可能会依赖所谓的副语言线索，比如说嗯哼、啊哈、对，这样的声音。
You know, we think it's obvious that the other person knows that we're actually taking on board what they're saying, but it's very easily faked. And I think we probably all have engaged in that kind of trickery as well. When we're not really listening and we're just kind of saying what we know we have to say, our mind is somewhere completely different. So the best way to actually show full attention is to just be explicit about it, to verbalize, you know, your agreement with what they're saying, to maybe offer another example of what they've said or to reiterate and paraphrase what they've said or to kind of question one particular detail of what they've said. You can't really fake that.
你知道吗？我们常常以为对方明白我们确实在认真听他们说话，但事实上这很容易被假装。而且我认为我们大概都曾经用过这种小伎俩。当我们并没有真正听进去，只是说一些我们知道该说的话，而心思却飘向了别处。那么，最好的方式来表现我们全神贯注的注意就是明确地表达出来。你可以口头上表示同意他们的观点，或者举一个类似的例子，重述和总结他们的意思，或是询问其中的一个细节。这些都是无法伪装的。
If you weren't listening, you can't fake those explicit linguistic cues. So we should just be using those more often to validate what someone's saying. So another topic that you talk about in the book is praise and compliments. So I found this really interesting because personally, I'm terrible at taking compliments. It often makes me feel awkward. So, you know, what's going on there and what can I be doing better? I mean, in general, people don't compliment enough.
如果你没在听，你无法伪造那些明确的语言提示。所以我们应该更经常地使用这些方法来验证别人的说法。书中你还谈到了另一个话题，就是表扬和赞美。我觉得这个话题很有意思，因为我个人不太擅长接受赞美，常常让我感到尴尬。那么，这到底是怎么回事，我该怎么做得更好呢？总的来说，人们给予的赞美不够多。
That's what the research says that people do tend to enjoy receiving compliments more than we think. I think maybe it is tempered with a bit of uncertainty, like you say, about how to act when we're given the compliment. We might really appreciate the words that someone's saying to us, but we don't know how to take that graciously. I'm not one of those people that I just have always really loved receiving compliments.
研究表明，人们确实比我们想象中更喜欢收到赞美。我认为这有点不确定性，比如你说的，我们在收到赞美时不知道该如何回应。虽然我们可能非常欣赏别人说的话，但不知道如何优雅地接受。我不是那种自始至终都很喜欢收到赞美的人。
And I guess I just see it as like receiving a gift. It's just, I think like what I try to do is just focus on the kindness of what someone's saying in the warmth and just to recognize that like they're saying something because they want you to feel good and because they're kind of seeing you. And so actually, just to thank you, just to let them know that you recognize that fact, I think, you know, that can take out the awkwardness. Also, I think we have this fear of seeming kind of big headed.
我觉得这就像收到一个礼物。我试图做的是专注于别人话语中的善意和温暖，意识到他们说这些是为了让你感觉好，因为他们在关注你。所以，实际上，只要对他们表示感谢，让他们知道你理解他们的用意，这样可以消除尴尬。另外，我觉得我们有时会害怕显得太自大。
I don't think people really read that from our behavior when we're receiving compliments. What I really learned from every single chapter of my book was actually just that we read too much into our little reactions and conversations. We think them far more revealing than they really are, but actually people aren't really focusing that hard or judging you on how you respond to a compliment. People are just much less judgmental than we believe they are. So you mentioned their big headedness.
我觉得人们并不会真正通过我们的行为来解读我们在接受赞美时的想法。通过写书的每一章节，我真正学到的是，我们对自己的小反应和对话解读得太多了。我们觉得这些反应能透露很多信息，但实际上人们并没有那么专注于你如何回应赞美，也不会因此对你进行评判。其实人们远没有我们想象的那么爱评判。所以你提到了他们的自大。
So that's quite interesting. So one sort of common phenomena. I think it's been amplified by social media is, you know, bragging or showing off or the perception of that. You know, people will post holiday pics or I'm in the Maldives or, you know, I've just completed a marathon or look at this amazing meal I've just eaten or I've just cooked.
这很有趣。一种常见的现象，我认为是被社交媒体放大了，就是炫耀或给人炫耀的感觉。你知道的，人们会发假期照片，或者说我在马尔代夫，或者说我刚刚跑完马拉松，或者看看我刚吃过或刚做的这顿美餐。
So if we are going to do something like that, how can we avoid sort of coming across like that and alienating our friends? Yeah, I mean, I think this is one of the ways that social media may be harming social connection is actually that we're all putting up this kind of polished veneer of our achievements. And we're not really letting people know the kind of challenges that we're facing too.
所以，如果我们要做类似的事情，怎样避免让人产生那种不好感受并疏远朋友呢？我认为这可能是社交媒体影响社交连接的方式之一。实际上，我们都在展示自己成就的光鲜外表，却没有让人了解我们所面临的挑战。
I actually think just being more honest about the kind of full scope of your life will help your friends to recognize that when you have achieved something, they'll know the struggles that you've been through. So they're less likely to see you as being kind of big headed because of that. But also you'll feel more connection with them too, because you'll feel more empathy from them when you do talk about some of the difficulties that you faced. This is a phenomenon that we call the beautiful mess effect.
我认为，事实上，如果你能更诚实地分享你生活的方方面面，这会帮助你的朋友们了解你所经历的艰难。因此，当你取得成就时，他们会知道你曾经过哪些困难，就不太可能把你看作是自大的人。而且，你也会感受到与他们之间更深的联系，因为当你谈论一些你面临的困难时，你会感受到他们更多的同情。这种现象我们称之为“美丽的混乱效应”。
And it's that actually, you know, we worry too much about people judging our vulnerabilities as kind of a sign of weakness or feeling alienated from them. But actually, opening up about some of the things that are imperfect in our lives, we're often pleasantly surprised by the empathy that we receive. And other people don't see it as a sign of weakness. They actually see that as a sign of courage that you were willing to share something that wasn't, you know, polished and varnished. So my advice actually really is to just share more of ourselves in every way possible. We can share our weaknesses and people will see that as courage. We can also share our achievements. And you know, as I'm just honest about your achievements and you're not kind of engaging in social comparison explicitly by kind of tearing other people down to prove how great you are, as long as you do those two things. People are generally very positive about sharing your achievements and successes. And actually, they engage in this emotion that we call confelicity, which is just vicarious joy at someone else's happiness. If you know that they're just being honest and they are genuinely pleased and proud, more than likely, they're just going to be happy for you.
其实，你知道吗，我们常常过于担心别人会把我们的脆弱看作是软弱或与他们疏远的标志。但实际上，当我们敞开心扉谈论生活中不完美的地方时，我们常常会惊喜地发现别人会给予我们同情。别人并不会把这看成是软弱的表现。相反，他们认为你愿意分享那些不完美的事情是一种勇气的象征。因此，我的建议是尽可能地多分享自己。我们可以分享我们的弱点，人们会把这看作是勇气。我们也可以分享我们的成就。只要你真诚地谈论你的成就，不通过贬低他人来凸显自己的伟大，人们通常对你分享的成就和成功也会持非常积极的态度。实际上，他们会体验到一种叫做“共喜”的情感，这是一种对他人幸福的间接喜悦。如果他们知道你是真诚的，是真心感到高兴和自豪，他们多半也会为你感到高兴。
That's sort of like the opposite of Sheldon Froder. Yeah, exactly. And that's actually this German word, mitroider, which, you know, says exactly that. It's feeling joy with someone else rather than at their misfortunes. So related to that, then, let's have a look at the effect of helping one another. You know, what effect does that have on both parties? Yeah, I mean, this is a game. Like, I just found this so optimistic. I'm the kind of person who tended to struggle by myself if I had a problem, like I hated asking for help. And that came partly from my kind of shyness and also just the fact I didn't want to be a burden to other people. And again, you know, there's this kind of fear that by asking for help, you're putting yourself in this vulnerable position where they might consider you to be kind of incapable and it will damage the perceptions of your competency and capability. But the research shows, you know, this is a big psychological barrier to connection because actually people often really like being asked for help. You know, it's quite flattering, actually, to be told that someone values enough and trusts you enough to ask you for help. So it can enhance connection in that way.
这有点像谢尔顿·弗罗德的反面。对，确实是这样。实际上，这正是德语词“mitroider”的意思，它表示与他人共同分享快乐，而不是因为他们的不幸感到快乐。与之相关的是，我们来看看互相帮助的效果。这对双方有什么影响呢？我觉得这就像一场游戏，我发现这特别乐观。我是那种遇到问题时倾向于独自挣扎的人，我讨厌向别人求助。这部分来自于我的害羞，也来自于我不想成为他人的负担。此外，还有一种害怕，就是觉得求助会使自己处于一个脆弱的位置，对方可能认为你无能，会影响他们对你能力的看法。但研究表明，这实际上是一个与人建立联系的心理障碍，因为实际上人们常常喜欢被请求帮助。事实上，当有人认为你有价值并足够信任你，来向你求助时，这是一种很高的赞美。所以，这种求助可以在某种程度上增强人与人之间的联系。
That's called the Benjamin Franklin effect because in his autobiography, he described how he turned a rival politician into one of his greatest allies just by asking this guy for a favor. He asked to borrow one of the guy's books from his private library. And, you know, ever after that moment, this guy had a lot more respect for Franklin and they did form a very good friendship and that's been replicated in experiments that, you know, asking for favors can often be the best way of increasing someone's regard for you. Now, there's also an advantage of providing help. Obviously, you know, people are grateful for your support, but there's also this kind of selfish benefit that comes from helping. There's research showing that actually by engaging in generous behavior, we actually get our own well-being boost and it makes us feel happy just to have been able to have made some difference to someone else's life. And it actually suppresses the brain's stress response, which I found very surprising, but you can do brain scans looking at the areas like the amygdala that would light up when people are feeling stressed and you see lower activity when someone has engaged in some kind of emotional support to someone else.
这被称为 "本杰明·富兰克林效应"，因为在他的自传中，他描述了自己如何通过一个小请求将一位竞争对手转变为他的亲密盟友。他请求借阅这位政客私人图书馆中的一本书。而就在那一刻之后，这位政客对富兰克林产生了更多的尊重，两人也建立了非常好的友谊。实验也证明，请求别人帮忙常常是提升他人对自己好感的最佳方式之一。
当然，不仅是请求帮助，提供帮助也有其优势。人们会感激你的支持，这一点显而易见。但从自私的角度看，帮助他人也能带来好处。研究表明，参与慷慨行为实际上能提升我们的幸福感，仅仅是因为我们能够对他人的生活产生积极影响。另外，帮助他人还能抑制大脑的压力反应。研究者通过脑部扫描发现，当人们提供情感支持时，与压力相关的脑区（如杏仁核）的活动会减少，这非常令人惊讶。
So this is thought to have evolved maybe from parenting because actually parents when they're looking after they young have to be able to suppress their own stresses, to be able to help their young effectively, you know, they can't be flipping out if they, you know, if the baby is kind of injured or in danger, they have to just focus on the task at hand of making sure that they keep that baby safe and healthy. That seems there's then this kind of knock on effect. So actually, whenever we help any other person, you experience the same mood boost and stress suppression, which might be one of the reasons that helping others is associated with longevity. So specifically, you know, being a volunteer, for example, tends to be associated with a longer life. Also, people who regularly help their friends and family members seem to live longer than those who don't.
因此，人们认为这种行为可能源于育儿，因为实际上父母在照顾孩子时必须能够压抑自己的压力，才能有效地帮助孩子。他们不能在孩子受伤或处于危险时失去冷静，而是要专注于确保孩子安全和健康。因此，这种行为会产生连锁反应。所以，每当我们帮助他人时，我们会经历同样的情绪提升和压力抑制，这也许是帮助他人与长寿之间有关联的原因之一。具体来说，比如做志愿者，通常被认为与较长寿命相关。同样，经常帮助朋友和家人的人似乎比那些不这样做的人活得更长久。
Even in the best relationship, we don't always see eye to eye. So how can we cope better when we do disagree? I mean, I wrote this chapter really being very conscious of the kind of polarized political climate that we're all experiencing in England, in the US, you know, and in lots of countries, where actually surveys suggest that people often assume that they can't even agree over the basic facts of certain social or political issues. Now, that is clearly a big rupture in the sense of shared reality that you're going to have with those people. So the big question is, you know, what can you do to repair that shared reality? Now, I was really heartened to find that actually, you know, it is possible to have really constructive conversations about our disagreements and the ways to do that are often pretty simple.
即使在最好的关系中，我们也不总是意见一致。那么，当我们意见不合时，我们该如何更好地应对呢？我的意思是，我写这章时非常意识到我们在英国、美国以及许多国家所经历的那种两极分化的政治气候。实际上调查显示，人们常常认为他们甚至无法在某些社会或政治问题的基本事实上达成一致。这显然在你与他人之间的共享现实感中造成了很大的分裂。所以，大问题是，你可以做些什么来修复那种共享现实呢？让我感到非常鼓舞的是，其实真的有可能就我们的分歧进行非常建设性的对话，而且这些方法往往相当简单。
So one strategy that just, you know, we neglect, but is so super important is to just demonstrate actual genuine curiosity and interest in the other person's point of view. So you're not trying to persuade them initially, you just ask them, like, why do you believe this? Like, you just dig deeper, you know, you tell them that you want to know, you know, what they're thinking and where that opinion came from. And what the research shows is that for the other person, that just like lowers their defenses, they recognize that you're open to creating this shared reality.
有一个我们常常忽略，但却非常重要的策略，就是表现出对他人观点的真正好奇和兴趣。最初你并不是要说服对方，而是问他们：“你为什么这样想？”你要深入了解，告诉他们你想知道他们的想法和这些观点的来源。研究表明，这样做能让对方放下防备，意识到你愿意与他们共同建立一个共享的现实。
And so they actually become much more humble in their opinions. They're less likely to express like very strong polarized opinions, more likely to see some of the potential holes in their argument and to recognize the merits of your argument. So even if you don't actually manage to change their opinion and they don't change your opinion by the end of that conversation, at least you can come to this kind of mutual understanding where you can recognize, say, the moral values that lay at the heart of what they were thinking. And that's one way of healing this rift. So we've covered quite a lot of ground there.
因此，他们在表达意见时实际上变得更加谦虚。他们不太可能发表非常强烈和极端的观点，更容易看到自己论点中的潜在漏洞，并认可你的论点的优点。因此，即使在这次对话结束时你们都没有改变彼此的意见，至少你们可以达成一种相互理解的状态，能够认识到对方观点背后的道德价值观。这也是弥合分歧的一种方式。所以，我们已经涵盖了很多内容。
So by way of summary, like other than buying the book, what sort of key piece of advice would you give to someone listening who wants to improve their social connections? Yes, I've got a couple of things. I think firstly, you know, if you're the kind of person who tends to be quite negative and anxious about your capacity to build a greater social network, I'd say one of the best things you can do is just to practice more self-compassion. Now, there's lots of great resources online. I kind of provide links to them in my book, but there's loads of ways that you can do this. You can do something like writing a letter to yourself as if you were writing to a friend, for example, just trying to be a bit more forgiving of the errors that you make and recognizing that, you know, you're probably catastrophizing some of these things, like the faux pas that you think was really important probably wasn't even noticed by the other person.
总结一下，除了买书之外，你会给那些想改善社交关系的听众什么重要建议呢？
是的，我有几个建议。首先，如果你是那种对自己建立更广泛社交圈的能力比较消极和焦虑的人，我会说最重要的一件事就是练习更多的自我同情。现在网上有很多优秀的资源，我的书中也提供了一些链接，但实际上，有很多方法可以做到这一点。比如，你可以尝试给自己写一封信，就像你在写给朋友一样，尝试对自己的错误更宽容一点，并认识到，你可能对一些事情过于夸大了，比如你认为很重要的失礼行为，可能对方根本没有注意到。
And even if it was, it almost certainly wasn't as important as you think it was. There's loads of research showing that self-compassion is just really good for our health and well-being in general. It's a really good mindset to cultivate, but I think it's especially important if we're trying to build our social confidence to just try to be a little kinder to ourselves, and that will make your interactions with others so much smoother, and just it's a kind of sound that those anxieties you might be feeling. And secondly, and related to this, I just think try to be just a little bit braver.
即便那件事真的发生了，它几乎也没有你想象的那么重要。有大量研究表明，自我关爱对我们的健康和幸福非常有好处。这是一种很值得培养的心态，特别是当我们试图增强社交自信时，对自己稍微友善一点会让与别人的互动更加顺畅，也能缓解你可能感受到的焦虑。其次，与此相关的是，我觉得我们也应该尝试变得勇敢一点。
What the research that I've uncovered really tells us is just that our expectations are often just too pessimistic, and so just push yourself out of your comfort zone. And the more you practice, the more confident that you'll become. And, you know, you can't expect everyone you meet to become your best friend, but the fact is, you know, the more you practice this, the more likely you are to meet those kind of platonic soulmates that will really enrich your life.
根据我发现的研究，实际上告诉我们的是，我们的期望常常过于悲观，所以要挑战自己的舒适区。你练习得越多，就会变得越自信。当然，你不能指望每一个你遇到的人都成为你最好的朋友。但是，事实上，你练习得越多，就越有可能遇到那些会真正丰富你生活的知己。
Thank you for listening to this episode of Instant Genius. Brought to you from the team behind BBC Science Focus. That was Science writer David Robson.
感谢收听本期《快速涨知识》。这是由BBC《科学聚焦》团队为您呈现的节目。这一期的嘉宾是科学作家大卫·罗布森。
To discover more about the topics we've just discussed, check out his latest book, The Laws of Connection, 13 Social Strategies That Will Transform Your Life. If you liked what you just heard, please do consider subscribing to Instant Genius on your podcast platform of choice.
要了解更多我们刚才讨论的话题，您可以查看他的新书《连接的法则：13种改变生活的社交策略》。如果您喜欢刚刚听到的内容，请考虑在您喜欢的播客平台上订阅《Instant Genius》。
The current issue of BBC Science Focus magazine is out now. Pick up a copy wherever you buy your favourite magazines, or download us on your preferred app store. You can also find us online at sciencefocus.com.
最新一期的《BBC科学焦点》杂志现已上市。您可以在常去的杂志店购买，或者在您喜欢的应用商店下载。您也可以访问sciencefocus.com找到我们。
Discover inspiration from your favourite gardening experts with the BBC Gardeners World magazine team. Listen to the UK's most loved and well-known gardeners, including Monty Don and Alan Tichmart, as well as special guests like Joe Lysit, Caroline Quentin, Tom Allen, Griff Reese Jones and the Stars of Bridgerton to name a few.
从你喜爱的园艺专家那里汲取灵感，和BBC《园艺家的世界》杂志团队一起探索吧。聆听英国最受欢迎和知名的园艺师，包括蒙蒂·唐和艾伦·蒂奇马什，还有特别嘉宾如乔·莱西特、卡罗琳·昆汀、汤姆·艾伦、格里夫·瑞斯·琼斯以及《布里奇顿》明星等。
Perfect for everyone who loves gardening. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts, and never miss an episode.
非常适合所有喜爱园艺的人。在您常用的播客平台收听，并且永不错过每一期节目。