How to Divorce as Allies, Not Enemies | Allison O’Brien | TED

以下是提供的视频文字稿的摘要： 演讲者以回忆自己的婚礼开场，那天本该是喜庆的日子，却因为父母之间高冲突的离婚而蒙上阴影。她强调离婚是很常见的经历，影响着无数的孩子，但也强调它不一定是毁灭性的。多年后，她自己也面临与本(Ben)的离婚，对未来充满恐惧。她的父亲建议她“找个好律师”，这与她在童年时期目睹的对抗性方式如出一辙，而她希望为孩子们提供不同的选择。在她成长的过程中，饱受高冲突离婚的负面影响，她决心以一种将孩子们的福祉放在首位的方式来处理她的分居。 具有讽刺意味的是，她现在是一位专业的冲突解决专家，教导领导者和团队如何管理冲突、有效协作并做出高风险的决策。她将这些原则应用于她的离婚，将其视为一系列可以借助法官或与即将成为前夫的本协作做出的决定。她概述了三个关键概念：对未来的愿景、情绪敏捷性和对倾听的承诺。 她说，第一步是放下过去：放下通常伴随离婚而来的愤怒和责备。她解释说，人际关系会产生一种动态，双方都应该为自己所扮演的角色承担责任。双方应该共同决定他们希望未来如何，明白他们的前任将永远在他们的生活中，特别是当涉及到孩子时。他们宁愿愤怒和责备，还是为他们所取得的成就感到自豪？对自己的内心进行深入、诚实的审视，帮助演讲者认识到自己在婚姻破裂中所扮演的角色。这也让她欣赏了前夫的观点，并让她有机会变得情绪敏捷。 她解释说，情绪敏捷对于协作至关重要。当被触发时，杏仁核会劫持前额皮质，阻碍理性思考，并使人难以倾听。与其做出防御性或伤害性的反应，不如暂停、整理自己，并转向探究，选择倾听。在她的离婚过程中，她和本经常互相触动对方的敏感点，但她总是提醒自己暂停一下，问问自己错过了什么，然后问他什么对他来说才是真正重要的。 演讲者承认这个过程非常具有挑战性，但她和本选择把孩子放在他们的愤怒之上。他们致力于友善和优雅。她强调了首先倾听、进行对话、为了学习而倾听的重要性。她将此与一个重视说话而不是倾听的世界形成对比，在那个世界里，人们被教导去推销和证明自己的观点，而不是真正地倾听。 倾听会激发有洞察力的、开放式的问题，而答案可以转变视角并创造新的可能性。然而，这需要放下对正确的需求，并放弃追求自己想要或相信自己应得的东西。演讲者强调，陷入“我”的心态会阻止找到“我们”的解决方案的可能性。 最终，她认为离婚不是失败，结束一段婚姻并不丢人。虽然它改变了家庭动态，但它不必摧毁它。为了孩子们的缘故，扭转一场残酷的离婚永远不会太晚。她自豪地分享说，她和本现在是朋友，有效地共同抚养他们的孩子，并重视彼此的观点。她对本的伙伴关系表示感谢，无论是在婚姻中还是在离婚中。

This is a summary of the video transcript provided: The speaker begins by recounting her wedding day, which was overshadowed by the presence of her parents, who had a high-conflict divorce. She highlights that divorce is a common experience, impacting countless children, but emphasizes that it doesn't have to be devastating. Years later, she finds herself facing her own divorce from Ben, terrified about the future. Her father's advice to "get a good lawyer" echoes the adversarial approach she witnessed in her own childhood, and she wants something different for her children. Having grown up with the negative impacts of high-conflict divorce, she's determined to navigate her separation in a way that prioritizes her children's well-being. Ironically, she is now a professional conflict resolution specialist, teaching leaders and teams how to manage conflict, collaborate effectively, and make high-stakes decisions. She applies these principles to her divorce, viewing it as a series of collaborative decisions that could be made with the help of a judge or collaboratively with her soon-to-be ex-husband. She outlines three key concepts: a vision for the future, emotional agility, and a commitment to listening. The first step, she says, is letting go of the past: the anger and blame that often accompany divorce. She explains that relationships create a dynamic and both parties should take responsibility for their part. Both people should decide together how they want the future to look, understanding that their ex will be in their lives forever, especially when children are involved. Would they rather be angry and blameful, or prideful for the good they've accomplished? Taking a deep, honest look within herself helped the speaker to acknowledge her role in the marriage's breakdown. It also gave her an appreciation for her ex-husband's perspective and gave her the chance to be emotionally agile. Emotional agility, she explains, is crucial for collaboration. When triggered, the amygdala can hijack the prefrontal cortex, hindering rational thinking and making it difficult to listen. Instead of reacting defensively or hurtfully, it's essential to pause, gather oneself, and shift to inquiry, choosing to listen. During her divorce, she and Ben often triggered each other, but she made it a point to pause and ask herself what she was missing, allowing her to then ask him what was truly important to him. The speaker acknowledges that this process was incredibly challenging, but she and Ben chose to prioritize their children over their anger. They committed to kindness and grace. She stresses the importance of listening first, having a dialogue, and listening to learn. She contrasts this with a world that values speaking over listening, where people are taught to sell and make their case, rather than to truly listen. Listening inspires insightful, open-ended questions, and the answers can shift perspectives and create new possibilities. However, this requires letting go of the need to be right and abandoning the pursuit of exactly what one wants or believes they deserve. The speaker emphasizes that getting stuck in a "me" mentality prevents the possibility of finding a "we" solution. Ultimately, she argues that divorce is not a failure, and there is no shame in ending a marriage. While it changes the family dynamic, it doesn't have to destroy it. It's never too late to turn a brutal divorce around for the sake of the children. She proudly shares that she and Ben are now friends, co-parenting their children effectively and valuing each other's perspectives. She expresses gratitude for Ben's partnership, both in marriage and in divorce.