在本期Huberman Lab播客中，安德鲁·休伯曼采访了心理治疗师劳里·戈特利布，讨论了人际关系、自我意识以及应对生活挑战的问题。戈特利布强调了理解我们自身感受以及我们围绕这些感受所讲述的故事的重要性，她指出，我们从小就经常被“劝说”放弃我们的感受。这可能导致我们选择熟悉的伴侣，即使他们重现了童年时期不健康的动态，因为我们的潜意识试图掌握未解决的问题。 戈特利布强调了人际关系中的自我调节与共同调节的概念。虽然自我调节对个人的幸福至关重要，但共同调节，即伴侣冷静的存在可以帮助稳定对方，也扮演着支持性的角色。她提倡在争论双方都情绪失控时暂停争吵，并建议利用这段时间来理解对方的观点。 谈话深入探讨了我们常常和自己的“未完成的事业”结婚的观点，即我们会被那些让我们痛苦的过去人物相似的伴侣所吸引，即使最初呈现出的情况恰恰相反。戈特利布解释说，这种吸引力源于我们想要“赢”或掌握一种我们在童年时期感到无助的局面。她强调了治疗在揭示这些潜意识驱动因素并做出更健康选择方面的作用。 讨论转向了“恐乐症”（cherophobia），即对快乐的恐惧，这可能导致人们破坏生活中美好的事物。戈特利布还讨论了识别“慢燃型”关系的重要性，即最初可能没有火花，但真正的联系会随着时间的推移而发展。她警告说，不要仅仅依靠即时的化学反应来作为衡量兼容性的标准。 休伯曼和戈特利布探讨了由于害怕未知而留在不舒服的境地中的普遍的人类倾向，并引用了欧内斯特·贝克尔的《死亡否定》。戈特利布认为，与其害怕死亡，不如说我们害怕没有活过。她强调了“死亡意识”作为一种激励因素，可以更充分、更有意地生活，从而带来更大的活力。 戈特利布强调了区分消耗精力的激活和赋予能量的活动的重要性，她指出，无意识地在网上刷屏常常是一种非处方止痛药，掩盖了令人难以承受的感受。她指出，麻木不是缺乏感觉，而是一种被太多感觉淹没的状态。 谈话进一步审视了性别动态，指出社会环境会阻止男性表达情绪。戈特利布挑战了“更多的话语等于更多的情感交流”的观念，她主张使用过滤器和有意识的沟通。她讨论了“投射性认同”，即个人将他们的感受转移到他人身上以缓解他们的不适。 他们提倡有条理的思考和冥想的力量来解决生活中的挑战，并强调了为深思熟虑留出空间的重要性。戈特利布还探讨了技术对人际关系的影响，她警告说，不要依靠短信进行重要的对话，并强调了社交媒体在现代分手中的普遍性。她强调，当谈到分手时，一个人必须努力前进，而不是继续前进。 戈特利布谈到了不同类型的同情心，以及它们如何影响人际关系中的成长。她认为，用温柔的手挑战假设是关键。 谈话最终讨论了知道好的人际关系和坏的人际关系是什么样子的。戈特利布强调，拥有积极、开放和持续的沟通是良好人际关系的关键，并知道如何在有毒的动态中识别这些特征的缺失。谈话引出了治疗可能是有益的一些迹象。 最后，戈特利布强调了充分了解自己的重要性，以及在与人相处时不要担心自己的缺点。

In this episode of the Huberman Lab podcast, Andrew Huberman interviews psychotherapist Laurie Gottlib about relationships, self-awareness, and navigating life's challenges. Gottlib emphasizes the importance of understanding our feelings and the stories we tell ourselves about them, noting that we are often "talked out" of our feelings from a young age. This can lead to choosing partners who are familiar, even if they recreate unhealthy dynamics from childhood, as our unconscious mind seeks to master unresolved issues. Gottlib highlights the concept of self-regulation versus co-regulation in relationships. While self-regulation is crucial for individual well-being, co-regulation, where a partner's calm presence can help stabilize the other, plays a supportive role. She advocates for pausing arguments when both parties are dysregulated and suggests using the intervening time to understand the other person's perspective. The conversation delves into the idea that we often marry our "unfinished business," drawn to partners who resemble figures from our past who caused us pain, even if it initially presents as the opposite. Gottlib explains that this attraction stems from a desire to "win" or master a situation where we felt helpless as children. She emphasizes the role of therapy in uncovering these unconscious drivers and making healthier choices. The discussion pivots to the concept of "cherophobia," the fear of joy, which can lead people to sabotage good things in their lives. Gottlib also discusses the importance of recognizing "slow burn" relationships, where initial sparks might be absent but genuine connection develops over time. She cautions against solely relying on immediate chemistry as a marker of compatibility. Huberman and Gottlib explore the pervasive human tendency to stay in uncomfortable situations due to fear of the unknown, referencing Ernst Becker's "The Denial of Death." Gottlib suggests that rather than fearing death, we fear not having lived. She underscores the importance of "death awareness" as a motivator for living more fully and intentionally, leading to greater vitality. Gottlib emphasizes the importance of distinguishing between draining activation and energizing activities, noting that mindless scrolling online often serves as a non-prescription painkiller, masking overwhelming feelings. She points out that numbness isn't the absence of feeling, but a state of being overwhelmed by too many feelings. The conversation further examines gender dynamics, noting the societal conditioning that discourages men from expressing emotions. Gottlib challenges the notion that more words equal more emotional communication, arguing for filters and mindful communication. She discusses "projective identification," where individuals transfer their feelings onto others to alleviate their discomfort. They advocate for the power of disciplined thought and contemplation to address life's challenges and emphasize the critical importance of space for thoughtful consideration. Gottlib also examines the impact of technology on relationships, cautioning against relying on text for important conversations and highlight the pervasive nature of social media in the modern breakup. She underscores that when it comes to breakups, that one must work towards moving forward and not moving on. Gottlib addresses the different kinds of compassion, and how they impact growth in relationships. She believes it's key to challenge assumptions with a gentle hand. The conversation culminates in a discussion about knowing what good relationships and bad ones look like. Gottlib stresses that having positive, open and consistent communications is key for good relationships, and knowing how to identify when these traits are absent in toxic dynamics. The conversation leads to what some signs that therapy could be beneficial. In the end, Gottlib emphasizes the importance of knowing ourselves to the fullest. And not being concerned about our own imperfections when working with people.